Just to confirm: i have dated before, i kinda did the whole process so i’m very well familar with how dates are practically been conducted. The only problem is i usually was more or less invited to the dates and that what is making things this complex.
Why dating has became more difficult? Or, is it just me? Well, this really and truly is a personal issue, but one way of reasoning about the issues i ran into – the bugs, is by speaking them out loud (usually to myself or with a colleague / friend, but you gotta do what you got.)
age and failures
The way i work is really this simple: i just keep making mistakes, learning from them and act upon that. it is extremely very difficult to me to remake the same steps, since i already know they would fail before. And given that i already tried that route again, it just seems useless. Unlearning is always the most difficult part.
too much thinking
i think too much and too often, all the time honestly. i think about a lot of things, and scenarios that didn’t happen.
that doesn’t really help at all thu. i just stated the problems i have without actually making any points.
Or, actually how my mental model for dating works.
- You get to know someone new
- You both feel you are vibing well
- You invite her over for a very comfortable place and for also a normal thing: like cup of coffee, or snacks (who says no to a snack)
- if things go well, usually a second date is in order and the 2nd one (hehehe) will help streamline the whole things and making sure that both of the parties goals are well aligned.
- i honestly don’t know what happens after that, but i will give myself a chance of guessing:
- people start falling in love?
- more dates and so
- terminate the whole thing
The gotcha here since majority of relationships start from a friendship ones, once your upgrade to a lover fails, you kinda stop being friends too. For me this one is really super important, since i would never in earth want to lose her as a friend. it is just a big NO..
So, what is my problem. One way of looking is the failure to get back to just being friends and the embarrassment that follows. i get that.
Another reason is that people often shows their feelings in some sort of a transactional matter: i show my intimacy and care, for you to fall in love with me. So, effectively, the amount of their caring, their emotions and their friend-liness is all for an anticipated reward in the future (eg. the other party loving you back). This behavior is quite common.
i feel like love was never meant to be understood. if life in general is that complex, i would wonder how a magnificint thing such as love can be understood lest be measured. the way we treat our feelings as a gauge that goes up and down is just ridicluous. but that doesn’t answer the question at all, or help me just yet. However, in another way, trying to use reasoning in order to solve for my social or emotional issues might not be the best route. But some questions might make for a great lifetime quest.
As i’m living through this, i learned to always come forth: be very clear about my expectations of a relationship and if i ever felt a term in the contract might be violated from my side, i would relay that change to other person so they know what is in my mind. for example, i grow feelings towards a friend, but we are just friends. it is important to show your feelings since they are valuable and they need to be listened, but it is even more important to be clear about that.
Maybe i will add more to this text some time in the future…