This is not me fishing for validation or sympthay. This is just me.
I don’t really feel seen. Like honestly, I never felt as though someone actually love me. I always felt I had to put in more efforts and be the giver as my only source and contribution to sustain a relationship. And I was ok with that for the majority of my life. I honestly don’t have a dream you know or a goal or whatever, I always just optimize for helping and to some extent serving others.
I still vividly remember every first times I ever had. The first compliment of everything. I wasn’t really anyones favor. The first time i had someone celebrating my birthday was my 28th. The first time somثone ever complimented my music taste was in 2018, in my 25th. The first time someone complimented my clothes was just at the end of 2022. I never really felt having any intellectual skills, I was never really the smartest kid, not in elementary school nor high school. In university, it was sepcially obvious since i lived with the smartest person I ever known. I am really insecure when it comes to intellectual topics. In fact, I opened up about this topic only very recently around 2020ish.
And it shows. Do i really look good? Do i smell good? Am i funny?
What have changed? A lot actually, but the most important was me loving and valuing myself more. But it takes a lot than it seems to get into good terms with oneself. And it something that you need to nurture, pay close attention to. And we tend to optimize for short-term gains and overlook the parts that require patience.
We are very weak, very fragile. It will also never get easier, shit will just keep respawning, for every fucking single stage of your life.